Video-journaling my Bipolar 2 journey

I had a light bulb moment (albeit a slow one, as I had it over a year ago, but it has stayed burning in my brain since then) when I started reading a few books by Dana K.White, called "How To Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind" and "Decluttering At The Speed Of Life", and watching her YouTube channel. She started out by deciding to start a blog called "A Slob Comes Clean", where she kept track of her progress with her struggles, and to kind of hold herself accountable for the changes she was trying to implement in her life. 

It got me thinking that I could do the same with my areas of struggle. So I have started a video-journal, along with this blog, where I will document my Bipolar 2 journey, and how I am trying to use my creativity to cope. If  I am the only one to ever use it to look back on, and track my progress, then that is fine. It's hopefully going to be good therapy. 

If anyone wants to join me, you can subscribe to this blog and I will post my video-journals here. Or you can join me on YouTube or TikTok to stay up to date, as well. 

Here is my first video-journal:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMBPO8OV2IA

It's also here, with subtitles: TikTok studiojuliesnow.sjs: Bipolar 2 Disorder & Creativity 

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Start Where You Are

After weeks of feeling depressed and irritated, I finally sat down with my husband and dumped it all out. I have been having nagging thoughts that I needed to do something different in my business. Didn't know what, so I was brainstorming on paper anything that was coming to my mind.

Anytime my brain/ thoughts/ heart is faced with something that needs to change, if I don't take the time to figure out what it is and stop and listen to what it is telling me, I get super cranky and irritable and become more and more frustrated with myself, then that leads to lots of negative self-talk , which adds to my depression. A lot of the loads of my depression are based in thoughts of FAILURE, and not living up to who I think I "should be". That will seriously be the death of me if I let it continue. But I'll get back to that.

We were talking about all of the different things I have done in my business: alterations, bridal, costumes, custom clothing, quilts, pillows and curtains and other home decor items, designing t-shirts, seasonal decorating items, and crafts, you name it, I do it. (Except men's tailoring, that's my least favorite thing to do LOL. I will hem pants and take in a waist or a center back of a jacket, but that's it. No sleeves, no tapering, no shoulders. I just don't like it, and I don't think I have to ,at his point in my life ;) )

I also have a website where I have sold a lot of these creations. It has not been too bad, but I keep thinking that if I'm going to keep up this website, I need to do all of the computer/technology things that go along with it, and I'm just not good at record-keeping and email-listing and recruiting business to my website. I know that's a whole 'nother ball of wax that I just am not very good at, I would rather just be creative and share my work with others in ways that don't require a lot of business savvy. So I went down the rabbit hole of thinking that I should become that business-minded person that I never have been. I do enough of the basics for my business, but not nearly what I could be doing. So I got stuck in this place of "I should be better, I should be different" etc etc etc and that just led me to feeling like crap. So that was one thing I had been ruminating about.

The next thing was something that I have done quite a bit in the past at least 10 years, as the number of things that I do for people in my business has increased, and that is I start to think should I narrow things down and just focus on one thing, or even a couple things at most! And it starts to seem sensible at first, but then I start to think well what would I give up? If I gave up that thing it would make me sad, if I gave up this other thing I know I would miss it.

As I was talking this through with my husband, we discussed the fact that the most important two things about my sewing business are #1 my creative outlet, I'm making others happy with my talents. And #2 if I am making money for what I am worth, that sets our family and future up for success. So after lengthy discussion, I decided that along with working on LOVING MYSELF FOR WHO I AM RIGHT NOW, I am NOT going to eliminate anything in my business that I absolutely love. That feels good.

But the thing that is stressing me out, my website, I felt differently about. And right now I don't love it. I don't think it is worth the monthly fee that I pay to try to upkeep something that I'm not super good at. It is a hard decision for me to completely get rid of it, because of all the work I have put into it so far. But I just don't feel like it's a direction I need to pursue right now, so I will just go back to the regular ways, and honestly I get more business from people just messaging and emailing me and the referrals that I have from my hundreds of clients right now. I thought having a website would help to sell some of the products that I create regularly, but in the grand scheme of things, it hasn't made a TON of difference in my business. And I do know from the research I've done and everything I've read and heard, that I have to put a lot more into it to get a lot more out of it, and I don't know that it's worth my time right now. I'm not trying to build an empire, I'm not trying to hire a lot of employees and become this massive e-commerce site, so I'm just going to stick to what I know best, and what has worked the best for me so far.

So I have decided the best thing to do is to keep my website/ shop still open so I don't lose my domain, and just leave my best-sellers on there, just in case one day I come back to it with more dedication, but it will be a serious downgrade from where I am.

That has brought me a lot of relief, the more I think about it. One thing I have learned about listening to my instincts, is that if I feel an impression to do something, and I go forward as if that is decision has been made, I know that it is the right one if it continues to feel right, if it continues to feel like I am moving in the right direction, then I know that my choice is correct, and the decision is made.

If I look back even further than these past few weeks, I see that I have been struggling for a few months about this subject, it just led to a peak right after Christmas. Reflecting back, I have additionally been struggling with all of the things that I want to accomplish. My list is extremely long, because what happens with me (that I have learned is a big part of my Bipolar 2 Disorder) is I get tons of really good ideas, and I want to do them all right now, all at the same time. I get these major hypomanic phases where the ideas won't stop, and the projects and inspirations keep coming. I get this euphoric feeling, and I feel this wonderful high, and sometimes it's short-lived, but a lot of times it lasts for days and sometimes weeks and months, and I love the excitement as everything is building. I am doing so many things that are so exciting! But there will at some point be a time when I crash and sometimes it's a hard crash and sometimes it's light and gradual. And then I start to mellow out, and then I start to look around me and see all the things that did not get finished. Even though LOTS of things DO get finished, I still remind myself of the failures that I now have and start to ask myself what is wrong with me and who am I anymore? I get really really hard on myself and I get to the point where I can't even talk to people and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I feel so awful.

When I look back on my life, this pattern has repeated itself for as long as I can remember. It has led to a lot of negative thought patterns. In the past year, since being diagnosed correctly, I have been identifying them and trying to reframe my negative self-talk and change the cognitive distortions that I have. I learned these fancy words from my therapist, and lots of YouTube therapists that I follow. There's a lot of brilliant people out there that are willing to help those with mental illness - I'm so thankful for them.

One of the things that I was reminded of by my husband, who is my biggest supporter, thank the Lord for him, is that if I can ground myself, and bring myself to the present, and remind myself of every single thing that is good in my life, it helps to change my perspective and it kicks out the ruminating and intrusive thoughts that I let myself get lost in. He is always reminding me to LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM, and that it is important that I accept myself 100%. Just stop beating myself up. Everyone is here on this earth to bring something good to the world, and we need to believe in ourselves, that we can do good things.

So I have decided to really focus on letting myself enjoy who I am, and maybe not everybody will like it but I want to let go of trying to feel like I "should be" something I'm not. I need to stop "shoulding on myself". And it's not that I think others make me believe that I should be something I'm not, it's mostly myself. I need to be more gentle on myself, and just love myself for who I am, and not expect anything more than I am, right now.





So I'm going to start right where I am. I will get my projects done, I will ENJOY THEM because they always are and were inspired, and I will remember all the good things I have done so far.

Resources:
Dr. Tracey Marks
Therapy In A Nutshell
Memes and articles about Bipolar 2 Disorder (my Pinterest Board)

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New Diagnosis: Bipolar 2 Disorder

Umm...what???

I had just sat through 1 1/2 hours of my new psychiatrist appointment, telling her all kinds of things about my life struggles and why I thought I might just need a new medication for my Depression. After all of that time spilling all I could think of, she said Depression was not the whole picture. She said, "No honey you have Bipolar 2 Disorder". Then she explained all the connections she was making with things I thought were unrelated. Then the epiphany light bulbs got brighter and I KNEW in my heart and soul that she had finally put the pieces together for me. It all suddenly made much more sense.

It has been a few months since this new diagnosis and I am processing it all still. I will try to explain and summarize in the best way I can.

I had dated a boy in college that I swear was Harry Connick Jr's lookalike. He was creative and exciting and interesting and attractive and I thought quite wonderful. We had a great month or so, of wonderful, exciting times, and then it was time for a school break - Thanksgiving or something - anyway, when I came back, he had been expelled from the college, and I was totally taken aback. I never totally got the whole story but the bits and pieces were that he had stayed on campus during the break, got sexually involved with someone, and was accused of attempted rape so he was kicked out. Another friend of mine who knew him quite well had confirmed the rumor that he was bipolar, and that this had to do with an "episode". I can't even remember clearly if the word used was "bipolar", I feel like it was "manic depressive" and that the terms we used then were totally different than what is used today. "Bipolar" was the new way of describing the swing from manic episodes to depressed episodes. Manic, to me at the time, was describing a crazy, psychotic, out-of-control state of being. I tell that story to explain the stigma and limited understanding of what Bipolar Disorder was to me then, and what it has come to be now.

Fast forward to me, several months ago, learning I was Bipolar 2. 

My doctor had asked me about my Depression and I had told her I had been diagnosed for the first time with Depression in 2008. Well, I had started on Prozac in 2008, when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest son (6th pregnancy), but I had probably had it since my previous pregnancy's horrible postpartum, in 2005. I think I stayed in a depressed state from that postpartum depression through to when I was close to losing my mind in 2008. My OB/GYN was the one who prescribed it to me and it flatlined me, which was what I wanted. It was what I needed to cope. I stayed on it until my youngest was a few years old, then thought I would try to cope without it. Surely I did not really need medicine anymore.  Then a few years later, my coping kills were garbage and I went back on Prozac and waiting for relief and NOTHING. So I gave that a year, hoping it would soon help, but decided to try Effexor, which is what was currently working for my mom (oh yeah - my mother had been diagnosed with "Chemical Depression" when I was 12, a few years after my youngest sibling was born. She had to be hospitalized for it at the time, it was very traumatic for me, and she has since been up and down - mostly up - with meds and treatments for depression to this day). So I got on that and had some hope but after a while, I thought I am still doing the same crap and not feeling better. It was after many tearful discussions and frustrations about what the hell was wrong with me, that my husband lovingly said the brilliant words that he wasn't sure my medication was the right one for me, and could there be something better for me...? Still took me at least a year to finally reach out to find out, but the events that lead to that are for another story.

During all of these years of suffering from Depression, I would have periods of feeling great, getting a lot done, lots of clarity, lots of great ideas, very creative exciting periods where I would think, "this is the real me". Then I would get so discouraged when I would get depressed and feel unmotivated, sad for no reason, foggy, exhausted, and start loathing myself and tell myself what a failure I had become - what was wrong with me? I would miss what I thought was the "real me". 

My doctor asked if I had ever had times where I felt I did not need sleep. I said, "Oh yeah, let's talk about that" and went off about how when I would get involved in a project and just have so much adrenaline and energy I COULDN'T sleep! But I didn't need it anyway, I was going to accomplish ALL the things! My brain would be so full of ideas I would have to start the projects right then! And write down all the ones that were going to be next! Every play or musical I ever costumed had at least one, if not MANY all-nighters and a good week of only a few hours of sleep a night, if that. It's how I got it all done and I did it all SO WELL! I recalled nights just laying in my bed FULL of ideas and I would turn on my light dozens of times to write down ideas, thinking if I barfed them all out, I could finally sleep. I remembered being a child sitting in my bed, with my boxes and piles of craft stuff all around me, and I stayed up all night "making stuff".  One night I remember as far back as 2nd or 3rd grade, I stayed up the whole night and did every page of my paint-by-number painting book. The rush was real. Throughout high school and college, there were so many projects and assignments and papers (that were often procrastinated) that got finished amazingly last minute!! It was like the floodgates would open and I had extreme inspirations or solutions to whatever needed to be done. And I would excel at those things! I started to look at myself as one who thrived under pressure. I thought that was the "real me".

But even as I told her all that, I figured her sleep question only had to do with what I had researched and learned about depressive sleep habits, and how people with depression did not get enough restorative sleep and spent way too much time in the REM stage, which exhausted them physically and mentally and that's why they had no energy. I had thought maaaaaaayyyybeeee my brain was sometimes avoiding sleep so that I did not have to face being exhausted every morning...? But the puzzle pieces weren't coming together and I still just thought I just needed different medicine for my Depression.

Then she shocked me and said "Bipolar 2". And explained it. And then I researched the hell out of this disorder, you know I did, and learned a lot. So Bipolar disorders have Manic phases and Depressive phases, and some stable phases. Bipolar 1 has the longest manic phases, along with depressive phases. Bipolar 2 has shorter manic phases - called HYPOMANIC - and longer depressive phases. Then there are more classifications of bipolar 2, depending on how often the phases occur and how long they last.  But according to the DSM5 book (the Bible of psychiatrists that tells them what criteria is needed to officially define and diagnose any mental illness), to define Bipolar 2, there have to be at least 4 hypomanic occasions per year, each lasting a minimum of 4 days. Then there can be rapid cycling, ultra-rapid cycling, and ultradian rapid cycling (which is where one can go from hypomanic to depression all within one day), where the phases are closer together, basically swinging back and forth more quickly. There are also mixed states, where they can be both happening at the same time. But I digress a little.

So my Hypomanic phases were the missing pieces of the puzzle, that were finally defined and recognized and given a name and a place in my mental state. Depression was still there, you bet it was, but it was the other swing of the pendulum that is Bipolar 2. The big picture all made more sense to me once I realized those phases, or episodes, were actually part of being Bipolar 2, and I needed a mood stabilizer, to limit the shifting between phases, not just an antidepressant. I am now tracking my mental state every day, with personal journal prompts and a calendar just for moods and emotions, to try to see if I can see a pattern, and how often I cycle, etc. I have a great therapist who is helping me to identify triggers for these episodes and tools to deal with them.

Wellbutrin is now what I am taking, to start. I have noticed a difference for sure, but still paying attention to the side effects and the phase-shifting. I am really documenting everything I can. I have my 2-month med appointment in a few days and I will give an update after that.

But the main thing is that I can FINALLY make sense of the things that have plagued me my whole life. It has a name and a definition. I have joined several support groups, and I am defining my support network. I have found several very informative resources (I will share below) to explain the ins and outs of Bipolar 2. It's a new start on my journey of mental health, and I am grateful for it.

Resources:

Dr. Tracey Marks

Polar Warriors

Memes and articles about Bipolar 2 Disorder (my Pinterest Board)

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