Anytime my brain/ thoughts/ heart is faced with something that needs to change, if I don't take the time to figure out what it is and stop and listen to what it is telling me, I get super cranky and irritable and become more and more frustrated with myself, then that leads to lots of negative self-talk , which adds to my depression. A lot of the loads of my depression are based in thoughts of FAILURE, and not living up to who I think I "should be". That will seriously be the death of me if I let it continue. But I'll get back to that.
We were talking about all of the different things I have done in my business: alterations, bridal, costumes, custom clothing, quilts, pillows and curtains and other home decor items, designing t-shirts, seasonal decorating items, and crafts, you name it, I do it. (Except men's tailoring, that's my least favorite thing to do LOL. I will hem pants and take in a waist or a center back of a jacket, but that's it. No sleeves, no tapering, no shoulders. I just don't like it, and I don't think I have to ,at his point in my life ;) )
I also have a website where I have sold a lot of these creations. It has not been too bad, but I keep thinking that if I'm going to keep up this website, I need to do all of the computer/technology things that go along with it, and I'm just not good at record-keeping and email-listing and recruiting business to my website. I know that's a whole 'nother ball of wax that I just am not very good at, I would rather just be creative and share my work with others in ways that don't require a lot of business savvy. So I went down the rabbit hole of thinking that I should become that business-minded person that I never have been. I do enough of the basics for my business, but not nearly what I could be doing. So I got stuck in this place of "I should be better, I should be different" etc etc etc and that just led me to feeling like crap. So that was one thing I had been ruminating about.
The next thing was something that I have done quite a bit in the past at least 10 years, as the number of things that I do for people in my business has increased, and that is I start to think should I narrow things down and just focus on one thing, or even a couple things at most! And it starts to seem sensible at first, but then I start to think well what would I give up? If I gave up that thing it would make me sad, if I gave up this other thing I know I would miss it.
As I was talking this through with my husband, we discussed the fact that the most important two things about my sewing business are #1 my creative outlet, I'm making others happy with my talents. And #2 if I am making money for what I am worth, that sets our family and future up for success. So after lengthy discussion, I decided that along with working on LOVING MYSELF FOR WHO I AM RIGHT NOW, I am NOT going to eliminate anything in my business that I absolutely love. That feels good.
But the thing that is stressing me out, my website, I felt differently about. And right now I don't love it. I don't think it is worth the monthly fee that I pay to try to upkeep something that I'm not super good at. It is a hard decision for me to completely get rid of it, because of all the work I have put into it so far. But I just don't feel like it's a direction I need to pursue right now, so I will just go back to the regular ways, and honestly I get more business from people just messaging and emailing me and the referrals that I have from my hundreds of clients right now. I thought having a website would help to sell some of the products that I create regularly, but in the grand scheme of things, it hasn't made a TON of difference in my business. And I do know from the research I've done and everything I've read and heard, that I have to put a lot more into it to get a lot more out of it, and I don't know that it's worth my time right now. I'm not trying to build an empire, I'm not trying to hire a lot of employees and become this massive e-commerce site, so I'm just going to stick to what I know best, and what has worked the best for me so far.
So I have decided the best thing to do is to keep my website/ shop still open so I don't lose my domain, and just leave my best-sellers on there, just in case one day I come back to it with more dedication, but it will be a serious downgrade from where I am.
That has brought me a lot of relief, the more I think about it. One thing I have learned about listening to my instincts, is that if I feel an impression to do something, and I go forward as if that is decision has been made, I know that it is the right one if it continues to feel right, if it continues to feel like I am moving in the right direction, then I know that my choice is correct, and the decision is made.
If I look back even further than these past few weeks, I see that I have been struggling for a few months about this subject, it just led to a peak right after Christmas. Reflecting back, I have additionally been struggling with all of the things that I want to accomplish. My list is extremely long, because what happens with me (that I have learned is a big part of my Bipolar 2 Disorder) is I get tons of really good ideas, and I want to do them all right now, all at the same time. I get these major hypomanic phases where the ideas won't stop, and the projects and inspirations keep coming. I get this euphoric feeling, and I feel this wonderful high, and sometimes it's short-lived, but a lot of times it lasts for days and sometimes weeks and months, and I love the excitement as everything is building. I am doing so many things that are so exciting! But there will at some point be a time when I crash and sometimes it's a hard crash and sometimes it's light and gradual. And then I start to mellow out, and then I start to look around me and see all the things that did not get finished. Even though LOTS of things DO get finished, I still remind myself of the failures that I now have and start to ask myself what is wrong with me and who am I anymore? I get really really hard on myself and I get to the point where I can't even talk to people and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I feel so awful.
When I look back on my life, this pattern has repeated itself for as long as I can remember. It has led to a lot of negative thought patterns. In the past year, since being diagnosed correctly, I have been identifying them and trying to reframe my negative self-talk and change the cognitive distortions that I have. I learned these fancy words from my therapist, and lots of YouTube therapists that I follow. There's a lot of brilliant people out there that are willing to help those with mental illness - I'm so thankful for them.
One of the things that I was reminded of by my husband, who is my biggest supporter, thank the Lord for him, is that if I can ground myself, and bring myself to the present, and remind myself of every single thing that is good in my life, it helps to change my perspective and it kicks out the ruminating and intrusive thoughts that I let myself get lost in. He is always reminding me to LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM, and that it is important that I accept myself 100%. Just stop beating myself up. Everyone is here on this earth to bring something good to the world, and we need to believe in ourselves, that we can do good things.
So I have decided to really focus on letting myself enjoy who I am, and maybe not everybody will like it but I want to let go of trying to feel like I "should be" something I'm not. I need to stop "shoulding on myself". And it's not that I think others make me believe that I should be something I'm not, it's mostly myself. I need to be more gentle on myself, and just love myself for who I am, and not expect anything more than I am, right now.
So I'm going to start right where I am. I will get my projects done, I will ENJOY THEM because they always are and were inspired, and I will remember all the good things I have done so far.
Resources:
Dr. Tracey Marks
Therapy In A Nutshell
Memes and articles about Bipolar 2 Disorder (my Pinterest Board)
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