Umm...what???
I had just sat through 1 1/2 hours of my new psychiatrist appointment, telling her all kinds of things about my life struggles and why I thought I might just need a new medication for my Depression. After all of that time spilling all I could think of, she said Depression was not the whole picture. She said, "No honey you have Bipolar 2 Disorder". Then she explained all the connections she was making with things I thought were unrelated. Then the epiphany light bulbs got brighter and I KNEW in my heart and soul that she had finally put the pieces together for me. It all suddenly made much more sense.
It has been a few months since this new diagnosis and I am processing it all still. I will try to explain and summarize in the best way I can.
I had dated a boy in college that I swear was Harry Connick Jr's lookalike. He was creative and exciting and interesting and attractive and I thought quite wonderful. We had a great month or so, of wonderful, exciting times, and then it was time for a school break - Thanksgiving or something - anyway, when I came back, he had been expelled from the college, and I was totally taken aback. I never totally got the whole story but the bits and pieces were that he had stayed on campus during the break, got sexually involved with someone, and was accused of attempted rape so he was kicked out. Another friend of mine who knew him quite well had confirmed the rumor that he was bipolar, and that this had to do with an "episode". I can't even remember clearly if the word used was "bipolar", I feel like it was "manic depressive" and that the terms we used then were totally different than what is used today. "Bipolar" was the new way of describing the swing from manic episodes to depressed episodes. Manic, to me at the time, was describing a crazy, psychotic, out-of-control state of being. I tell that story to explain the stigma and limited understanding of what Bipolar Disorder was to me then, and what it has come to be now.
Fast forward to me, several months ago, learning I was Bipolar 2.
My doctor had asked me about my Depression and I had told her I had been diagnosed for the first time with Depression in 2008. Well, I had started on Prozac in 2008, when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest son (6th pregnancy), but I had probably had it since my previous pregnancy's horrible postpartum, in 2005. I think I stayed in a depressed state from that postpartum depression through to when I was close to losing my mind in 2008. My OB/GYN was the one who prescribed it to me and it flatlined me, which was what I wanted. It was what I needed to cope. I stayed on it until my youngest was a few years old, then thought I would try to cope without it. Surely I did not really need medicine anymore. Then a few years later, my coping kills were garbage and I went back on Prozac and waiting for relief and NOTHING. So I gave that a year, hoping it would soon help, but decided to try Effexor, which is what was currently working for my mom (oh yeah - my mother had been diagnosed with "Chemical Depression" when I was 12, a few years after my youngest sibling was born. She had to be hospitalized for it at the time, it was very traumatic for me, and she has since been up and down - mostly up - with meds and treatments for depression to this day). So I got on that and had some hope but after a while, I thought I am still doing the same crap and not feeling better. It was after many tearful discussions and frustrations about what the hell was wrong with me, that my husband lovingly said the brilliant words that he wasn't sure my medication was the right one for me, and could there be something better for me...? Still took me at least a year to finally reach out to find out, but the events that lead to that are for another story.
During all of these years of suffering from Depression, I would have periods of feeling great, getting a lot done, lots of clarity, lots of great ideas, very creative exciting periods where I would think, "this is the real me". Then I would get so discouraged when I would get depressed and feel unmotivated, sad for no reason, foggy, exhausted, and start loathing myself and tell myself what a failure I had become - what was wrong with me? I would miss what I thought was the "real me".
My doctor asked if I had ever had times where I felt I did not need sleep. I said, "Oh yeah, let's talk about that" and went off about how when I would get involved in a project and just have so much adrenaline and energy I COULDN'T sleep! But I didn't need it anyway, I was going to accomplish ALL the things! My brain would be so full of ideas I would have to start the projects right then! And write down all the ones that were going to be next! Every play or musical I ever costumed had at least one, if not MANY all-nighters and a good week of only a few hours of sleep a night, if that. It's how I got it all done and I did it all SO WELL! I recalled nights just laying in my bed FULL of ideas and I would turn on my light dozens of times to write down ideas, thinking if I barfed them all out, I could finally sleep. I remembered being a child sitting in my bed, with my boxes and piles of craft stuff all around me, and I stayed up all night "making stuff". One night I remember as far back as 2nd or 3rd grade, I stayed up the whole night and did every page of my paint-by-number painting book. The rush was real. Throughout high school and college, there were so many projects and assignments and papers (that were often procrastinated) that got finished amazingly last minute!! It was like the floodgates would open and I had extreme inspirations or solutions to whatever needed to be done. And I would excel at those things! I started to look at myself as one who thrived under pressure. I thought that was the "real me".
But even as I told her all that, I figured her sleep question only had to do with what I had researched and learned about depressive sleep habits, and how people with depression did not get enough restorative sleep and spent way too much time in the REM stage, which exhausted them physically and mentally and that's why they had no energy. I had thought maaaaaaayyyybeeee my brain was sometimes avoiding sleep so that I did not have to face being exhausted every morning...? But the puzzle pieces weren't coming together and I still just thought I just needed different medicine for my Depression.
Then she shocked me and said "Bipolar 2". And explained it. And then I researched the hell out of this disorder, you know I did, and learned a lot. So Bipolar disorders have Manic phases and Depressive phases, and some stable phases. Bipolar 1 has the longest manic phases, along with depressive phases. Bipolar 2 has shorter manic phases - called HYPOMANIC - and longer depressive phases. Then there are more classifications of bipolar 2, depending on how often the phases occur and how long they last. But according to the DSM5 book (the Bible of psychiatrists that tells them what criteria is needed to officially define and diagnose any mental illness), to define Bipolar 2, there have to be at least 4 hypomanic occasions per year, each lasting a minimum of 4 days. Then there can be rapid cycling, ultra-rapid cycling, and ultradian rapid cycling (which is where one can go from hypomanic to depression all within one day), where the phases are closer together, basically swinging back and forth more quickly. There are also mixed states, where they can be both happening at the same time. But I digress a little.
So my Hypomanic phases were the missing pieces of the puzzle, that were finally defined and recognized and given a name and a place in my mental state. Depression was still there, you bet it was, but it was the other swing of the pendulum that is Bipolar 2. The big picture all made more sense to me once I realized those phases, or episodes, were actually part of being Bipolar 2, and I needed a mood stabilizer, to limit the shifting between phases, not just an antidepressant. I am now tracking my mental state every day, with personal journal prompts and a calendar just for moods and emotions, to try to see if I can see a pattern, and how often I cycle, etc. I have a great therapist who is helping me to identify triggers for these episodes and tools to deal with them.
Wellbutrin is now what I am taking, to start. I have noticed a difference for sure, but still paying attention to the side effects and the phase-shifting. I am really documenting everything I can. I have my 2-month med appointment in a few days and I will give an update after that.
But the main thing is that I can FINALLY make sense of the things that have plagued me my whole life. It has a name and a definition. I have joined several support groups, and I am defining my support network. I have found several very informative resources (I will share below) to explain the ins and outs of Bipolar 2. It's a new start on my journey of mental health, and I am grateful for it.
Resources:
